at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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