How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
