i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
