Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Are we still banned from the library?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
