Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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