he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
