You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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