I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
