I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
