so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just forgot I was standing up.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
