did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Randomize
