Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
