I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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