there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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