And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
