When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
