I'm eating all of the evidence.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
