I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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