umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
