haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
wanna go halves on a baby?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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