i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
