I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
