Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
