its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
