I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
