I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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