I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
