FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
