i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
