I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
