Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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