apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
