Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
