You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
