I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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