please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I woke up under a house in Key West
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