They should really pass out barf bags in church
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
