I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
