I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
