Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
