When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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