oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
