The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
