Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
smell my finger.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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