sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
