lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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