I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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