so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Randomize
