Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
