Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
