I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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